pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
