all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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