I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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