I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You pole danced in your parka.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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