I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
