My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think I am morally bankrupt
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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