so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
