Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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