I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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