I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
