I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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