you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
