I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Four minutes until I can fart!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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