I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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