I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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