If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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