haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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