I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
