Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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