So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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