hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
