Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
