So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
