I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
