Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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