not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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