I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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