I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
