are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
