I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
