cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
