so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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