cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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