Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
