I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
