he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
