my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
