You're so nebulous sometimes
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Less talking, more tequila
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
