She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
