she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
