1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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