perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
