i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
