Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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