if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
