this beer tastes like vomit already
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
