i can't believe i had my finger in that
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
