I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Its about making memories worth repressing
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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