Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Couch. On fire.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
