i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
