why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
