There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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