The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
