That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
