1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
