so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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