I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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