it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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