My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
