Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
