There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
